Survival

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

Survival is a lot harder than you might think.

I've been MSG'd

Okay, I probably haven't been MSGd but I had chinese food and now I can't keep my eyes open. So I will jump to my conclusion.

Things are really good now. I forced myself to open up and talk about "feelings", which is just the most ridiculous and girly thing that I've ever done. But surprisingly, it felt really nice to speak my mind on a nice level and not an asshole one. Don't expect it too often though....

There are so many things to look forward to this month. Considering that I hate most things, other things are pretty awesome sometimes.

Maybe this is just the MSG speaking.

...

I can take a hint.

But it still really hurts.

I suppose it was too little too late on my part.

Time to move along with my chin up.

Someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm. I know; it's been coming for some time.

I wish I could feel more or less right now. The level of what I feel at the moment is just not cutting it for me. And of course it has to be about me right now....

I want a cigarette right now - but I won't smoke one. (Day 20)

I wish we could have made it work - but we couldn't.

I want to go running - but I'll have to wait til this evening.

Maybe things would have been different if I hadn't quit smoking: ie- my moodiness, weight gain, my distance from society. But seriously, I wouldn't change it for the world because I am only bettering myself.

I want to take a vacation to see the sun. I haven't seen him in foreverrrr. Perhaps that would lift my spirits.

Single. Again. Like usual.
Let the summer begin.

I rule.

To start off this blog entry:

I am very proud of myself. It has been 13 days without a single cigarette.
I decided to quit on a whim and I am surprised that I have made it this far. I wanted to quit but I didn't really realize my will power in the situation. So that's it. Almost two full weeks and counting.

The con to this is that I have shut out the rest of my life in order to focus on this task. I hardly hang out with my friends, I don't call my family often anymore, I am very moody, I coughed up some gnarly shit, I have no desire to do anything really. I also have completely neglected someone that I am dating and that I care about. I feel like I have to just be by myself as much as possible and focus on the most important thing of all: my health.

But at the same time, it's not healthy to be doing anything that I'm doing in the process of quitting. So today I am taking the steps to fix all of that. I hate talking about 'feelings' though so this is totes going to suck.

Stir crazy or shoe crazy?

This morning I was very productive.
Running - Check
Making mediocre breakfast- Check
Takin' my vitamins - Check
Sweeping - Check
Dishes - Check
Cleaning counters - Check
Cleaning all my make up brushes - Check
Coffee run - Check
Managing to hide from all the 'got a minute to sign my petition' douche bags - Check
Giving myself a bang trim - Check










I hadn't flat ironed my hair in months. I usually air dry it and let it get crazy because it looks better that way (plus I'm just lazy and never do my hair. I have been keeping it in a french braid for multiple days before needing to shower). I hadn't noticed how Ramones my hair was until this morning.

Now Tori is headed over with a few beers for us to partake in.

I went a bit shoe crazy in the month I've been here.
Proof:

My Favorite sandals right now. Jesus would totally walk Galilee in these babies












Cute slip on heel











The most comfortable, double zippered boots to grace the planet.
(you can't tell in the picture, but the double zippers are bad ass).











Slouchy, yet still skinny boots. The best part about them is the back because they have an opening to show off my nice calves. hah

Ignore the empty TV box in the back ground... but now that I brought it up... my new TV is glorious. I don't even watch TV but it is amazing to watch movies on. Now I don't have to watch all of my foreign netflix movies on my laptop in bed. Just trying to class it up a bit.....

DISCLAIMER: I know I'm a bit of a metal head/ tom boy... but this entire blog post is proof that I am still a girl in all my glory. Suck it.

This is how it goes

Things are completely awesome. The weather is turning in my favor and bringing smiles to Portland dwellers faces.

Yesterday I went for a run around the waterfront and it was so beautiful. So many people were out riding their bikes and running their butts off.

I am really happy to be back in Portland and back with the Ace. Everything has come together perfectly. I'm working really hard and enjoying it a lot. The staff here are like my family and it's a business I care a lot about. Still trying to prove myself and hopefully it'll show soon.

I have my keys to my place but I'm waiting for my bed to get delivered on Monday. Then I can start sleeping there part time and try to get it all together.

Everything. Is. Awesome.