Don't think twice

Survival

2009-07-28T17:40:00.001-07:00

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

Survival is a lot harder than you might think.

I've been MSG'd

2009-07-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, I probably haven't been MSGd but I had chinese food and now I can't keep my eyes open. So I will jump to my conclusion.

Things are really good now. I forced myself to open up and talk about "feelings", which is just the most ridiculous and girly thing that I've ever done. But surprisingly, it felt really nice to speak my mind on a nice level and not an asshole one. Don't expect it too often though....

There are so many things to look forward to this month. Considering that I hate most things, other things are pretty awesome sometimes.

Maybe this is just the MSG speaking.

...

2009-07-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

I can take a hint.

But it still really hurts.

I suppose it was too little too late on my part.

Time to move along with my chin up.

Someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm. I know; it's been coming for some time.

2009-06-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

I wish I could feel more or less right now. The level of what I feel at the moment is just not cutting it for me. And of course it has to be about me right now....

I want a cigarette right now - but I won't smoke one. (Day 20)

I wish we could have made it work - but we couldn't.

I want to go running - but I'll have to wait til this evening.

Maybe things would have been different if I hadn't quit smoking: ie- my moodiness, weight gain, my distance from society. But seriously, I wouldn't change it for the world because I am only bettering myself.

I want to take a vacation to see the sun. I haven't seen him in foreverrrr. Perhaps that would lift my spirits.

Single. Again. Like usual.
Let the summer begin.

I rule.

2009-06-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

To start off this blog entry:

I am very proud of myself. It has been 13 days without a single cigarette.
I decided to quit on a whim and I am surprised that I have made it this far. I wanted to quit but I didn't really realize my will power in the situation. So that's it. Almost two full weeks and counting.

The con to this is that I have shut out the rest of my life in order to focus on this task. I hardly hang out with my friends, I don't call my family often anymore, I am very moody, I coughed up some gnarly shit, I have no desire to do anything really. I also have completely neglected someone that I am dating and that I care about. I feel like I have to just be by myself as much as possible and focus on the most important thing of all: my health.

But at the same time, it's not healthy to be doing anything that I'm doing in the process of quitting. So today I am taking the steps to fix all of that. I hate talking about 'feelings' though so this is totes going to suck.

Stir crazy or shoe crazy?

2009-05-11T15:16:00.000-07:00

This morning I was very productive.
Running - Check
Making mediocre breakfast- Check
Takin' my vitamins - Check
Sweeping - Check
Dishes - Check
Cleaning counters - Check
Cleaning all my make up brushes - Check
Coffee run - Check
Managing to hide from all the 'got a minute to sign my petition' douche bags - Check
Giving myself a bang trim - Check

I hadn't flat ironed my hair in months. I usually air dry it and let it get crazy because it looks better that way (plus I'm just lazy and never do my hair. I have been keeping it in a french braid for multiple days before needing to shower). I hadn't noticed how Ramones my hair was until this morning.

Now Tori is headed over with a few beers for us to partake in.

I went a bit shoe crazy in the month I've been here.
Proof:

My Favorite sandals right now. Jesus would totally walk Galilee in these babies

Cute slip on heel

The most comfortable, double zippered boots to grace the planet.
(you can't tell in the picture, but the double zippers are bad ass).

Slouchy, yet still skinny boots. The best part about them is the back because they have an opening to show off my nice calves. hah

Ignore the empty TV box in the back ground... but now that I brought it up... my new TV is glorious. I don't even watch TV but it is amazing to watch movies on. Now I don't have to watch all of my foreign netflix movies on my laptop in bed. Just trying to class it up a bit.....

DISCLAIMER: I know I'm a bit of a metal head/ tom boy... but this entire blog post is proof that I am still a girl in all my glory. Suck it.

This is how it goes

2009-04-17T12:03:00.000-07:00

Things are completely awesome. The weather is turning in my favor and bringing smiles to Portland dwellers faces.

Yesterday I went for a run around the waterfront and it was so beautiful. So many people were out riding their bikes and running their butts off.

I am really happy to be back in Portland and back with the Ace. Everything has come together perfectly. I'm working really hard and enjoying it a lot. The staff here are like my family and it's a business I care a lot about. Still trying to prove myself and hopefully it'll show soon.

I have my keys to my place but I'm waiting for my bed to get delivered on Monday. Then I can start sleeping there part time and try to get it all together.

Everything. Is. Awesome.

It's been awhile so I might as well catch up

2009-04-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

So I am in Portland now. I moved back a little over a week ago now and I am loving every minute of it. Things have been pretty great, including: Seeing amazing friends, working my butt off, staying at the hotel which has been very convenient, amazing food and finally finding a place of my own to call home.

Today I signed a lease at an amazing apartment right off from the Belmont district, which I have lived at multiple times and really enjoy living in the area. There are great restaurants, shops and parks in the area. Plus it is really close to bike everywhere. It's probably about a 15 minute bike ride to my work downtown which I can't really beat.

I chose an older, vintage apt instead of the newer apt because of the location.

The best part about the apartment is the courtyard/garden right in the front. I really love the french windows that open out into the courtyard. (It's all so melrose place looking with the exception that I'm lacking a pool haha). I really like the ghetto old floor in the kitchen and the yellow counter space there as well. It's all so 70's but will suit me well. I can't wait to make it comfortable for myself to lounge in daily and for my friends to come over so I can cook them great vegan meals and partake in a few beers or some wine.

I will probably have people over next month when I can furnish the place. I will keep you posted. I have already met some new people that I think are great and of course there are already so many amazing people here that I love. I'm looking forward to a few shows coming up and seeing more people that I think are the bees knees.

"Look, a rat!" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

2009-03-12T07:54:00.000-07:00

Things have been pretty intense lately. I have been on and off sick since Scion Fest and it's starting to mess with my brain. One day I will be on top of the world and the next day I will have a gnarly chest cold. I didn't even get to celebrate my day of birth this last weekend because I was bed ridden with horror flicks to keep me company.

My move to Portland has slowly been pushed from the end of April to the end of March. I'm not really prepared for that quite yet as I have to train my replacement, pack, ship boxes and get as much hang out time with my good friends here before jetting. It's all for the best though and I'm really excited. Almost a year in NY was enough for me. I love it, but it's just not for me. Love it and leave it seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life.

I'm really grateful for the time that I've spent here and all my wonderful friends as well as all the kick ass people that I have met, even recently. A lot of people will be missed a ton, that's for sure.

Weekend in Atlanta

2009-03-03T12:45:00.001-08:00

I had my doubts going to a metal festival that was put on by Scion.
I bike and do not own nor do I want a vehicle. However, the price was right (free!) and the line up was kind of panty wetting.

Kylesa- All I have to say is two drummers. For the first band I saw at the fest, they kicked it off right.

Torche- Sound started out pretty rocky and then it got better. Not as great as the last time I saw them.

Salome- Seriously amazing. I had never heard them, nor was I intending on hearing them. I kept going to the bar by their stage since they seemed to be the only place serving tall boys. While I quenched my thirst with booze, I heard a glorious tune rising up from the stage. If they added bass to this trio, then it would destroy. But regardless, I was pleasantly surprised.

Boris- Awesome.

US Christmas- I love this group. If you aren't into spacey psych rock/metal then you might dislike them. But hot damn, I still say this was one of the best performances at the show.

Pig Destroyer- Awesome.

Krallice- Good.

Wolves in the Throne Room- Hands down best thing my eyes and ears witnessed at the show. I already wore out my copy of Diadem of 12 stars but I was skeptical on seeing them live as it might make or break the band for me. KILLED IT.

Neurosis- WTF. If you get to see neurosis in your life, go and see them at a normal sized venue that allows the band to blast your ear holes the way they need to be blasted. It was pretty weak for being outside and sound restricted. Scott Kelly will always own my heart but at this fest, my heart cheated a bit.

Coalese- Really good with the exception of the sound. You could barely hear the vocals which was a huge bummer. The best part of this performance was a girl getting hit in the face with the mic stand and getting a bloody nose. I still love these dudes though.

Anyways. I'm not going to talk about the rest of the weekend. All I will tell you is it was amazing. I had the best time partying with friends and meeting really legit folks.

Thanks weekend.

It's finally friday!

2009-02-20T08:29:00.001-08:00

Take that!

So.... um.... where did you say you worked again?

2009-02-08T18:22:00.001-08:00

One of the funniest things in the world to me at this point in my life, is going to brunch and overhearing the table next to me ask multiple, unimportant questions about each other.

Not because it's a blind date.

Not because the person really wants the answers to the questions revealed..

Oh no, no, no.

It's because they went home with each other after the bar the night before and showed up to brunch with hazy memories and disheveled hair! *applause*

This is noticed by yours truly every time I go to breakfast or brun

ch here in Brooklyn or New York.

"Where did you say you worked again?"

"Ohhh, you are going to college here. I think I remember you saying something about that."

"I think I left my scarf at your place.......errr.."

"Did you remember to pull out??"

..... Okay that last one I have never heard but oh my lord I wish I had.

I'm also wishing upon the stars that I can overhear "What was your name again?" at which point I would spit my coffee and flee to the streets, grabbing my sides because they will have been split by laughter.

This. can't. be. happening.

2009-01-31T12:44:00.001-08:00

Alright. Let me start off by saying that I am house sitting my bosses house while he is in London. The first three nights were great. I just hung out and watched movies, read, played wii and pretty much just enjoyed alone time. Yesterday I was super sick and decided to stay in and sleep it off. I took a ton of thera-flu and passed out around 10pm.

At 3:30am I was woken up to water drops on my face. I thought I was dreaming until my head was wet. I turned on the lights and heard drops of water throughout the two story apartment. Drip, drop. Drip, drop. I freaked out because I was barely awake and still high on meds.

Bubbles were forming on the ceiling and just waiting to explode. Water was flowing through light sockets and smoke detectors. I called the super and landlord and no one was answering. I turned off the power in the apartment and ran upstairs to see why the upstairs people clearly dead or not home. No one answered. As I ran back down the stairs I realized HOLY SHIT FUCK, I am locked out. UGHHHHH. So the fire department came (apparently calling 311 just pisses firemen off, FYI) and despite me telling them that the super was on his way with a key, they broke into the lock to make sure everything was okay in the apartment. They were concerned since it was flowing through electrical outlets.

I used every single towel in the place and every single pan. I was running around like a mad woman just to get pans under waterfalls. It was all so surreal.

3 hours later, I felt like it was under control enough to sleep a lil bit. The house I'm watching is now a mess and I'm trying my best to clean it and do loads and loads of towel laundry.

**** The upstairs neighbors apparently had a leak behind their toilet for 2 days and didn't call, nor did they turn off the water!!! Seriously? Are they that dumb? I should make them come and clean the place.

I met Ben for coffee and a sandwich and he sure brightened the morning after a miserable night. My favorite quote of the week, "That is some acceptable slaw." And he is an acceptable guy! I love hanging out with new vegan buddies. Especially really awesome ones.

I now feel more balanced after being rudely awoken to what I thought was the end of the world. We're still going to live...... for a bit longer.

maced in the face

2009-01-27T09:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday while I was getting ready for work, I heard a knock and "hellooo?" at the door. I was rushing and decided to not bother answering it. It happened again a few minutes later so I hurried to throw some clothes on to answer it.

I opened my bedroom door and two construction workers from next door were WALKING DOWN MY FUCKING HALLWAY OF MY APARTMENT! Yes, inside my apartment.

I yelled, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" and one of them said we need to fill this bucket. Again I repeated to get the fuck out right now and they asked if they could fill a bucket of water. Hell no, not after violating like this. I slammed the door and locked it. Neither Thomas or I could remember if we had locked the door the night before. So it was either unlocked and they thought that meant they could walk in or it was locked and they had a key.

The construction next door is a project from the owner of our building so they really might have a key. I am SO irate right now. I am also worried that our house will get robbed or these douches will fuck shit up.

I really should have maced them both in the face. Shoulda, woulda, COULDA!

God damn New York.

I have some HUGE news! In five
four
three
two
one

...... I'll tell you next week.

75 degrees in January... sign me up!

2009-01-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

So I must say, I am glad that my plane didn't fly into a bunch of birds.
A- Because I love birds and that is a shitty way for the birds or people to go.
B - Because my life kicks ass and it would have sucked to have it possibly end.

I flew out of NY on US Airways the day before the bird fiasco flight. I guess if you're going to ever be in a plane crash, that's the one to be in though. Everyone survived. Crazy ass shit.

Anyways, AZ....

- My mom and I went thrift shopping which was fun. It's hard to find a thrift store that is good in NY. Found some shoes and a belt (both of which aren't vegan but at least they were used. I'm biased on that...)

- I played a mean game of bingo with my old folks and their friends. I didn't win any of them but it was fun. The retired community takes this game very seriously and all yell when someone else wins. If someone wins more than one game in the night, watch out! Those are fighting times.

- We watched a forensic file marathon all night last night. Man, that shit is so good.

- My parents keep talking about havalinas, coyotes and other creatures around their house. I still haven't seen any but this evening I'm going to be on animal patrol and witness some of those buggers.

- My mom is collecting dead creatures she finds lately and keeps them in jars in the garage. I find this completely nuts but at the same time really awesome.
Get this: Her collection so far is a tarantula, scoropion and 5ft long rattle snake skin. WTF. I would never live down here. If I saw any of those alive I would probably shit my pants and then die.

- Every morning I pick my breakfast off from the trees (oranges and grapefruits). This is by far the best thing about AZ to me.

- Today I have to go through tons of boxes of old stuff and decide what I want and what to get rid of. This will be a task. They hung onto so many stupid things and also really awesome things that I want but my mom says I can't have them til she croaks. She sure has a nice outlook. ha.

Flip of a coin

2009-01-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

I have a HUGE decision to make in the next few weeks that I am, not all too entirely, ready to make. Out of the two outcomes, both have many positives and negatives so either way it's going to be hard. I couldn't sleep last night and just lay in bed staring at my ceiling wishing that it would reveal my answer like a magic 8 ball. That, or just collapse on me so I don't have to think about it or make a decision.

It's funny how life can just slap you in the face and say "TAKE THAT SHIT HEAD" as soon as things have calmed down and you feel alright.

.......To be continued when I make my final decision.

Wake up, wake up!

2009-01-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

There are probably a million things I should be doing right now in place of what I am actually doing.

Let's talk about what I'm actually doing right now:

- Listening to Bone Thugs-N-Harmony "1st of the Month"
- Staring at my empty coffee mug and imagining how awesome it would be if I could fill it with concentration instead of walking.
- Texting my friend about getting Devotchka tickets and how I could might be able to come up with the fundage to afford it.
- Day dreaming about far off places

On a side note, I am going to spend money I don't really have and buy a new camera this weekend. I feel it is necessary to document wreckage and to spice up the blog. Here is a picture to entertain you until the weekend.

Empty home

2009-01-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

I never come home to a vacant home. There is always someone here! What gives?

I am completely exhausted but can't sleep quite yet as my mind is filled with dancing and parties even though I choose to stay in and watch movies.

Right now I'm watching Great Expectations. The book, by Charles Dickens, is one of my all time favorite books. My mom gave me an ancient copy of it when I was about 13 and I fell in love. It was the first book I openly loved and wasn't ashamed of it. You know, reading was lame at that age at times.

Somehow in moving a gagillion times in the last 4 years, I have lost the book and it really bums me out. I still look for old original copies every time I am in a book store in hopes of finding one. Call me sentimental, call me a loser.... but I really hope to find one at some point.

Every time I move and open a box I hope that it'll be there even though it is lost forever but not far from memory. Anyways, I really love the movie, yet the book is much better. I always related to Finn but desperately desired to turn out like Estella. I strived to be her character my entire life but could never give up caring 100%.

Book:

"That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."

"In a word, I was too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong."

"I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuading arguments of my best friends."

.... just a few that I love.

New years after too many beers

2009-01-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

First blog of 2009 and I'm feeling fine.

I figured that this year is going to kick all other years asses so I might as well write about it, then look back and laugh about all the absurd things that happened.

First day of 2009 consisted of laundry, watching Underworld with the roomies and baking a casserole that ended up tasted like chewy dirt. I won't link the recipe to spare the creator of chewy dirts' feelings (I'm trying to do that this year and it's new for me).

Second day of 2009 was spent counting and entering numbers because we had to perform open heart inventory at work for 12 hours. Oh but it is not over as we have another 12 hours to finish the operation tomorrow. I often forget what a lucky lady I am.

I want to start creating art this year. I'm really horrible, but I can't be as bad as some of the stuff I see in this city. Right? Am I right?

Currently, I am laying in bed, trying to convince myself that starting a blog is was a good idea and listening to the boys upstairs play Beyonce's "All the single ladies" on repeat. Which has happened daily since the song dropped, might I add. (By saying dropped, I just sounded like a douche instead of what I was going for, which was young and hip).

Anyways, my goal is to write down this and that quite often so you can check back and read about me bitching and moaning about important and unimportant shit.